Lord Voldemort's Office Christmas Party

A Harry Potter sketch by Red Scharlach

Rating: PG

Written: November 2002

Author's note: A little seasonal silliness, inspired by the fact that, at time of writing, the office Christmas party season is nearly upon us. And terrible as it often is, I imagined it could be even worse...

MEMO

To: All Death Eaters
From: Lord Voldemort's Events Secretary
Subject: Office Party

Please find below the schedule for this year's Death Eaters Yule Party. We're trying to keep things low-key while we're waiting for the Dark Lord's insidious masterplan to come to fruition, so the traditional Muggle Burning, Sing-Song and BBQ has been cancelled. However, there should still be something for everyone:

7pm
Gather outside HQ with black hoods and burning torches.

7.10pm
March into town and kick a few Mudbloods around.

7.30pm
Go to the pub. We've booked the upstairs function room at The Hellhound and Hippogriff.

8pm
Party games including "Postman's Hex", "Truth or Die Screaming", "Pin the Crime on the Gullible Fool", "Pass the Blood-Soaked Parcel", and "Guess Whose Dismembered Limb".

9pm
Buffet dinner, three Galleons a head. Pay in advance. Those who do not will pay later.

10pm
Ceremonial Blood Orgy (turkey kindly provided by Samhain Pocknose's Sacrificial Poultry Centre, discounts available on production of a Dark Mark tattoo)

10.30pm
Karaoke and disco till late.

For those too drunk to Disapparate home again, there will be a special Knight-Bus pick-up. We definitely don't want a repeat of last year, in which two members had to be forcibly removed from a tree in the park where they claimed to be "recruiting squirrels to join our hellish crusade".

A Message from the C.E.O.
The Dark Lord wishes it to be known that he does want everyone to have a good time, but that celebrations must proceed in a manner which will not compromise Death Eater security. This means he will take a very dim view of activities such as casting the Dark Mark over the head of the last person to break wind, or writing rude comments about Narcissa Malfoy on the wall of the gents toilet.

Please Note:
We will not be doing "Secret Santa" this year, following the unfortunate incident last year in which one of our less attentive members drew a name from the hat and promptly struck that person dead with a Killing Curse, instead of buying them a small personalized gift, as was intended. Those who wish to express their eternal devotion to the Dark Lord by giving him a little something may do so, but be aware that aftershave is a waste of time since his reincarnated body is entirely hairless. He would, however, like the nations of the earth to quake before him, the head of Harry Potter on a silver platter, or failing that, a box of Ferrero Rocher chocolates.

Signed
P. Pettigrew
(Lord Voldemort's P.A.)

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FIN :-)
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Copyright 2002 Red Scharlach (scharlachred@hotmail.com)
Disclaimer: Lord Voldemort, the Death Eaters and all other Harry Potterences belong to JK Rowling, not me. That's why she has all the money, and I do not. Long may she sail...

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