You Are Rich, J.K. Rowling

(with apologies to Lewis Carroll, Jo Rowling and many, many more...)

"You are rich, JK Rowling," the fandom whined,
"And the world with your books is obsessed;
And yet you mess up and leave plot holes, we find;
Can't you see you don't always know best?

"I admit," JK Rowling replied to her fans,
"That dates can confuse my poor brain;
But nobody's perfect -- I'll stick to my plans;
To change them would be quite insane!"

"You're a snob," said the fans, "It's a cardinal sin!
And you're rude about folks that are fat;
Yet you told all your readers it's bad to be thin;
What kind of mixed message is that?"

"In my books," said JK, "though this fact may amaze,
The good guys are all shapes and sizes;
But the fandom's obsessed with Snape, Draco and Blaise;
Why not those in chubbier guises?"

"You're a prude," said the fans, "for we find in your books
No more than the mildest of shipping;
So enough of the snogging and meaningful looks;
Pray, where is the butt sex and whipping?"

"At the start," said Jo Rowling, "I filled up my text
With goat-sex and hot pervy squids;
But my publisher found it a mite oversexed;
Who guessed it? These books sell to kids!"

"You've sold out!" said the fans, "and it's easy to see
That your prose hasn't grown any tighter;
And in plot terms you peaked at the end of book three;
Admit it -- you're one crappy writer!

"I have written six volumes, there's one more to go,"
Said Jo Rowling. "Stop getting me down!
It's no wonder my progress is achingly slow;
Sod off, and go bother Dan Brown...."