I.F. (Irritating Fanwank)

(with apologies to Rudyard Kipling)

If you cause chaos in your chosen fandom
By flaming folks and blaming it on them;
If you use cApS aNd LoWeR cAsE at random,
And sit up posting crap till 5 a.m.
If you delete then undelete your journal
To get attention, every day or three;
If ignorance for you's a state eternal;
If all you do is shout and sulk and squee;

If you can't write, but churn out reams of fanfic;
If you can't type, but crave great fandom fame;
If you can't spell or punctuate or plan fic
And think "there", "their" and "they're" are all the same;
If you can't bear to proofread your next chapter
And won't post more till you get ten reviews,
And lash out like a mad velociraptor
At reckless souls who slate your Mary Sues;

If you detest all depth and live for shipping
And look no further than your favoured pair
And loathe all those who find them less than gripping
And twist the facts to see things that aren't there;
If you support your ship with faith unswerving
Though it's a dead horse canon-wise you flog
And your sole rule for if a plot's deserving
Is not "Does it make sense?" but "Do they snog?";

If you keep posting spoilers without warning
And stupid half-arsed theories by the stack;
If no one sane can read your blog for yawning;
If you're a hyped-up sugar fiend on crack;
If you can start a flamewar in a minute
And bring all sense and meaning to a halt;
You spoil the Web and everything that's in it,
And -- which is more -- my headache's all your fault...